Our relationship is held together by our unwillingness to let go, she who can’t let go of her first love, the one who stole her heart and they life she imagined for them together and me who won’t let go in case he doesn’t find another.
I’ve tried to end our relationship before, because I we had almost been arguing every day for two months and we both had seemed to just be hurting each other but when she broke down in front of me… she cried, and trembled, she talked about depression and loneliness and even hurting herself… I couldn’t just ignore that, I still loved her but I just felt like it was the right thing to do that we’d just end up hurting each other again but suddenly she started talking about ending her life.
Was it a bluff?
Was she just going through some emotions and the thought would pass?
She told me she could do it.
She told me she would.
I believed her.
I tried comforting her but the only thing I could think of is me staying with her that was the only way. So we stayed together without any title though. We still loved each other, and wanted to be together but things were just so fucked up that we decided to just give each other some space.
During the time we were apart I was able to hang out with some of my friends, it was fun, refreshing, and it felt like it greatly helped in building myself back up. I was also able to talk to one of my best friends about my situation, when I explained it to him he said it was fine, in hindsight I should have opened up to him more and told him more about it, I guess even with beer it just felt too personal to talk about.
I can’t say I’m the kind of person who just keeps his thoughts to himself, I’ve talked about plenty of stuff with other people but I guess I just didn’t feel comfortable with disclosing too information about my relationship with… let’s call her, Joanne. By the end of the night I still hadn’t made my decision but I remember him saying “Don’t chase after the cute ones”.
I started to think about it during my time alone but it didn’t really help, Joanne and I would still talk everyday but not very frequently due to her trips, we would talk about our relationship and our faults, which we didn’t really talk about before, the fight got big and messy and would always leave no one happy, she said I acted like I was single, said I became cold, because at the start of our relationship I would be so sweet and affectionate, she said that I changed…
She was clingy and possessive, she would want to spend every minute with me, she easily gets jealous and always asks me who I’ve talked to, where I’m going and what I’m going to do, she doesn’t like it when I talk to girls even though they’re just my friends, she was childish, and emotional, every little thing I would do or say would make her upset or sad.
I didn’t tell her those things, because I didn’t want to hurt her, because I didn’t want her to change. I told her I wasn’t being suffocated but I guess even though I didn’t feel it, I was deep inside, I was getting tired.
She told me all those things about me and I don’t deny them, I was like that and I still probably am. After some time had passed, we talked about getting back together…
I still had feelings for her and she had feelings for me, I still don’t know a lot of things, l still need to figure somethings out, like what I’m doing, and what I want. She can’t let me go because she loves me too much and I don’t want to let her go because I’m afraid of losing her, I’m afraid that what if she’s “the one”?
So here we are together again, and our relationship seems the same as before, it feels as if we’re breaking apart again…
Can we still do this?
Can we still be happy together?
These kind of thoughts flood my mind as I brace myself for what’s to come.